Hello, I am a girl in my late teens. Recently I have noticed my mum finds the slightest of ways to one up me when we argue. One time when I didn't clean my room (when I was going to) she yelled at me, saying she wished I was never born, which I find rather harsh and overboard to say about such an affair. Today she was yelling at me, the neighbours could probably hear. I told her it was humiliating because of this and she said there was something mentally wrong with me and that I was insane. Another issue is that she always wanted me to be a lawyer or doctor for some unexplainable reason and it always felt like she didn't want to nurture my own personal goals and strengths. When I told her I never wanted to do it and never really tried because it wasn't in my best interest she said "You should be amazed I even thought you could have done law." Which I could, my grades were passable but I hated it. She still thinks I should do law which is ridiculous to me. From about 15ish years old there was a point I was threatened to be put up for adoption. I dont know why. It's as if she has an idea of how my life should be, when it's my life and I know what I want out of it. I am going into the creative field and everyone thinks if I try hard enough I can do it but it feels like she pretends to agree but deep down she wants me to be what her own ideal daughter is. Details aside, here are my questions to this: is this a toxic mother daughter relationship? Is there a way to resolve this, or should I move away asap? Thanks.
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6 Answers
To me i think it is a toxic relationship, because that is not the way a mother and a daughter should interact with each other. A mother's relationship with a child is a special one especially when it is a daughter, that is a bond that is supposed to be very tight, unfortunately yours is not. Your mother seems to be having issues with you that could have been triggered maybe by a past that she would rather forget. If you are close to yoir mother you should be free enough to talk to her at anytime about anything. Yes you can resolve this whole issue by talking to each other. Communication is key, ask her questions like why she gets so agitated with you even when you have not done anything wrong. Ask about how you came about, her relationship with your dad, how was it, were they in good terms or not. Those questions will enable you to know what makes her act the way she does towards you. Do not leave the house until you talk to her it will resolve alot of things all the best.
Some mums do have similar character, but the rule of the game is to be obedient to your parent, you can let them see reasons quietly but never shout back at them. Maturity brings respect, so if you are at the right age. You can start college or get a job then there will be some sense of maturity that will come with it.
I think I understand how you feel. Your mother may not understand how toxic she is to you right now. I feel she is carrying a resentment from the past. Something she blames you for and hasn't had the strength to come to terms with it.
I pray you have the will and the strength she lacks to talk about the problem with her. Do not get sunken into her words because they are toxic. All the best.
I pray you have the will and the strength she lacks to talk about the problem with her. Do not get sunken into her words because they are toxic. All the best.
If you have to ask if a relationship is bad, toxic, abusive or whatever...you already know the answer! Instead of looking for confirmation from others, accept your own assessment, and do what you need to do. Your mother does what she does because she can, and because you have set and enforced no boundaries.
You need to move out, then lay down the law to her, the way she used to do to you, and if she breaks those rules, you need to punish her the same ways she punished you.
If that doesn't work, start reflecting her crap back at her. Treat her the way treats you. Tell her she is screwed up in the head, how you wished she had used The Pill, etc. Go over in excruciating detail all the ways she is a bad mother, and all the ways she could of been a good mother, if she had bothered to try. Guilt trip her. Find her buttons, and push them with glee.
Well it's unfortunate that you are in this kind of situation.
A lot factors can contribute to your mum behaving that way. Those factors include but not limited to the following:
1.Jealousy: When she is jealous of her friend's children becoming lawyers, she wants you to become a lawyer too.
2.Ignorance: When she thinks the only way to be responsible in life is by being a lawyer
3.Mental disorder: Some people out of mental illness don't understand reality
4.Low self esteem: When she thinks the way she can be respected in the society is when you become a lawyer
5.Wisdom: Sometimes, she could be right when she thinks you should be a lawyer.
The question you cans ask her is why do you want me to become a lawyer?
Yes it is a mother to daughter relationship where she forces you to pursue goals that you don't like.
To resolve the issues, ask her why she wants you be a lawyer.
From her response, you can then know what next to do.