asked in Love+Relationships by (152 points) 1 6 16
edited by

Even though your child is an adult and no longer has to obey you as a parent, they should still honor and respect you.  AGREE?

They no longer need your permission or approval to make major life decisions, and they are not required or obligated or mandated or commanded to tell you when they have made a choice for their lives. 

But shouldn't they show some consideration for your feelings and your concerns.  After all, as a parent, you don't stop wanting the best for your child once they are adults.  Do you?

Example:  Two of our children decided to travel to another country.  They did not inform us (their parents) of the trips.  Suppose something terrible happened to either one of them on foreign soil?  We didn't even know they were out of the country.  By the grace of God, they both returned home safely.  But I did not appreciate that we were not told.  Of course we would have objected, because we were concerned for their safety, etc.  But they would have gone anyway.  THEY'RE ADULTS!!  But at least we would have known where they were! 

Do you know how painful it us for a child to disappear or to get hurt or whatever - at home or in a far away land - and the parent is left there with a huge question mark and a pain in their heart??

Example:  Another child decided to change the faith she was brought up in.  We only found out because we asked a casual question about what she was doing with her life.  Shouldn't she have told us, out of respect.  Of course we would have objected.  But she would have made the decision. anyway!  SHE'S AN ADULT!

What?  Do children think parents stop loving and caring just because their adults now?  Don't they know the parents care, if they fall down when they are 2 or 12 years old or when they're 20 or 30 or 40 years old??

The Bible has two commandments (Christian scriptures):

~ #1:  Honor thy father and they mother ...

~ #2:  Children, obey your parents ...

You're not a child any more in our home.  OK.  I get that!  You don't have to OBEY us because you don't live in our house and you're not under our rules.  (Don't get "technical".  I know some grown kids still live with their parents.  But you get my point.)

But my husband and I are still a father and a mother no matter where our child or children live!

Commandment #1 is still in effect!

replied by ELITE (3,662 points) 7 15 56
Yes, children should let their parents know what their plan and where they headed to be for safety reason.
replied by ELITE (3,007 points) 3 11 21
Yes when we are adults we will go our own ways, do our own things, move to our own houses but that doesn't mean that our parents stopped being our parents. they are still very much part of our lives. We owe them our lives and respect so it is only prudent to let them know what we are up to. At the end of the day all we do is let them know but the decisions remain with us.

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10 Answers

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answered by ELITE (4,083 points) 7 26 72
edited by
Strange you should bring this subject up as the exact same thing has happened to me recently, My daughter got married to her long time partner secretly without telling either side of the family. They had two friends as witnesses but did not tell us until the next day.
Although I would liked to have been there I was fine about it as I love my daughter so much and approve of her husband. All I ever wanted was for her to be happy and she does suffer from social anxiety so a big occasion would have been stressful for her, The other side of the family were terribly disappointed and blame my daughter which I think is unfair as her husband is no mouse and would have spoken out if he was against it, It's what they both wanted.

I think it depends on the kind of relationship you have with your children.  My daughter and I get on very well and she knew I would be ok about it. Her dad and I are not together now but also get on well and he was also fine about it. She is coming down to see us (she is a 2 hour drive away) in a couple of weeks with her husband and we will celebrate then. I have all her photos and don't feel hard done by.

I think your daughter who changed her faith was probably protecting you because she thought you would be upset but I would have been very upset at the two who left the country without a word. As you say they are always our children and we will always worry about them even when they are adults. I know I gave my parents a few headaches and now they are both gone I would do anything to take some of the things I did back.
replied by (152 points) 1 6 16

I have one more child that is about to cross over the line into adulthood.  The rest of my kids are all grown and in fact, a couple of them are actually taking care of me.  I'm living with them.  I didn't plan it that way.  But hey!  Life happens.  Regardless of what my children might be thinking when they withhold things from me so that it won't upset me, I don't accept their reasoning or rationale for not telling me.  I used to be young and now I'm old.  Chances are they haven't done anything that much different from me.  It's not like they can shock me!  Although their decisions may hurt me, I do accept that they are grown and they can make their own decision and don't need my approval.  Because they are my children, I would much rather hear something coming from their own mouth than for somebody else to tell me.  I'm your mother.  Just talk to me straight and plain.  (I know you get where I'm coming from on this matter.)  

replied by ELITE (3,662 points) 7 15 56
I think no matter what the relationship between the parents and the child, they should let their parent know what they going to take.
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answered by LEGEND (6,394 points) 6 14 36
I am not a parent yet but Its really good for kids to consult their parents when it comes to making tough decisions. Children will opt to consult you depending on how you brought them up. Like for Instance, I believe my mom brought us well because even in small matters we're always asking for her advises. If you're such a don't care parent then you'll definitely wouldn't want to care about your child's whereabouts and they'll feel its not necessary for them to ask you.

On the contrary, there are these kind of children who have been affected by peer pressure and whatever their peers suggest, is what they follow. Dealing with these kind of kids is really hectic and have seen that in some of my neighbours. The best way out is never to quit. Quitting can never be an option even if they listen to their peers more than you. Keep on reminding them,that you're still there parents although it will sound very sarcastic. As a good parent keep on pushing hard and they'll finally feel the pinch.
replied by (152 points) 1 6 16

Peer pressure.  You have mentioned one of the main reasons children should see parental advice on major decisions.  Often time your friends who are the same age don't have any more experience or knowledge or understanding than you do and may give you bad advice.  But even if you don't seek the parents' advice and you have made the decision already, out of respect you should inform them of the direction you've taken in your life.  Because you never know.  Momma or daddy might have come and get you out of the mess you created for yourself.  Trust me.  The so-called friends who gave you the bad advice will not come to your rescue!  They'll be like:  See ya!  Wouldn't wanna be ya!

replied by ELITE (3,662 points) 7 15 56
I agree, it is called respect to ypur parents and also as an appreciation for what they have done.
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answered by (164 points) 1 1 6
This is so wrong on all levels, this is so disrespectful of kids in this time.I have never tried that because I know it a bad thing to do.

It is pertinent on the path of kids to intimidate parents on all their activities, plans and movements so that parents can take informed action or decision if need be.

Kids forget that parents  are always responsible for them and as such they have the right  to know their whereabouts, I hope when they are back they will have good reasons to tender on such a bad behaviour.

I relate well with my kids and I have sternly warned them  against going away without permission from us their parents and so far we have not had any issue like this,so mayhe you need to talk to  your children when they are back.
replied by ELITE (3,662 points) 7 15 56
It's a cycle of life here on earth, we become parents and take care of our children and pur children will the same when they get married and so on and so forth. We should respect our parents.
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answered by LEGEND (6,011 points) 6 13 26
I'm not a parent yet but I still think that it is best for children to inform their parents about life decisions that they take. This can depend on the kind of relationship that you have with them and how you react to certain news. As adults, your children have the right to make their own decisions and you have a right to know. Just to be aware, to guide them and not oppose them instantly.

I'm an adult now, I know what's good for myself but I admit that I leave trivia things out. Not that they are secrets but that they aren't really important. However, I inform my parents about the more important things like those you mentioned because however I see it, whether they agree or not ,it is an honourable right for them and I'm obligated to tell.
replied by (152 points) 1 6 16

Thank you for your remarks.  I speak from my own experience as well.  My mother did not agree with my choice for a marriage partner.  But I was a grown woman and did not need her permission.  I just let her know about my decisions and also that her objections would not stop the marriage.  It's been over 40 years.  Still with the same man.  When I chose my faith I also let my mother know.  She objected but it has been over 40 years and I'm still in the same faith.  I have made most of my major life decisions knowing my mother would disapprove.  There is a song where the singer laments and says he wishes he could have told his father certain things when he alive.  My father passed away when I was young.  My mother has since passed away.  But she did NOT go to her grave NOT KNOWING the path I had taken in my life.  I have no regrets that I did not tell her about my decisions during her "living years".

replied by ELITE (3,662 points) 7 15 56
Letting your parent know is enougj especially when getting married, a permission is not really necessary but though respect our parents in any way.
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answered by Patron (2,999 points) 3 8 16
No matter how grown we are we are still a child to our parents and they keep struggling for us to get it right and be more successful than they are.
At a stage in life,  we are privileged to take major decisions that affect our life no doubt about that but as the saying goes " experience is the best teacher " if this is agreed upon it becomes very necessary to seek their opinions on some sensitive issues for us to get it right and also learn because every living soul is a potential parent and what goes around comes around.
It is very important for me as a person to inform my parents if I am living or traveling out of the country because their prayers and journey mercies wish are highly essential.
Changing faith is an individual decision, so informing one parent doesn't mean the parent can change they will rather influence it positvely or negatively. It is very important they are consulted and informed on sensitive issues
replied by (152 points) 1 6 16

Sensitive.  That's a good word.  The child should be sensitive and/or empathetic to the person who cared for them when they could not care for themselves and raised them to the point where they can make their own decisions.  They should put themselves in their parents' shoes and consider how they would feel.  So your parents might disapprove.  So what!  That's really not the point.  Because when you were growing up in your parents' home there were probably certain things you did and your parents did not approve.  Don't send your parents to their grave in ignorance.  It's not right.

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answered by VISIONARY (9,060 points) 5 21 52
I feel for you and can understand your pain. I have only one child and I was a single parent all of her life. We have always been very close and she confides in me all the time. I remember when she was pregnant with her daughter. She called me right away to tell me about this. She wanted to find out from me if I was OK with the fact that she didn't want to get married. I was fine with this and told her not to make the same mistake I did with her dad. It ended badly and he never saw her after she was 13 months old. I just wanted her to be happy and do what was best for her. In the end, this all worked out and she had a son two years later and decided to get married.
Now she is making another major decision in her life to leave one state and move to another. Her daughter will be 18 when she moves and her daughter doesn't want to move with them. She has been talking with me about all this and wondering what to do. I basically just have to listen and give advice and she will be the one to decide in the end what is best for her and her family. I think that if you are close enough with your children they will confide in you if you don't try and control their lives. You can do all you can to raise them when they are younger, but in the end, you have to trust them to do what is right.
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answered by ELITE (3,054 points) 8 36 66
I am so guilty of this. I often make decisions, which I know will greatly impact my life without informing my parents. When I decided I'd work far from home, I only informed them after I knew I was accepted. When I went to travel out of the country, I only informed them after I got back.

I am not informing my parents for the same reason that you as a parent want to be informed. I do not want them to worry. I do not want them to spend even a day thinking about how I'm doing or if anything bad has happened to me. I also do not want them to worry about my worries. As much as possible, I only want to tell them the good news and save them from the failures that I've been dealing with.

But I do realized that what I'm doing isn't right, and that I'm hurting them even more by not telling them the truth. Slowly, I start to open up to them. I think the key is talking to them, not just asking about how their day was but also telling them stories of yours.
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answered by LEGEND (6,086 points) 3 27 50
I don't know if there is a correlation between an adult for not telling your parents where you go. If you can let your boyfriend or even best friend, your where abouts, so as your parents. Your parents should know what are your plans and decisions, your parents should know what you are going to do or where you will going to. If you love your parents, you respect them. If you love your parents, they are still part of your life, even though you are just going to the comfort room. It is quite painful if you will not let the part of your life, even how simple it is. Me, I feel hurt when my brother is coming home late and he is not even telling us where he go. I always feel we are not that important to him anymore. Even adults could make mistake and when you share your decision to someone, you could have a great decision.
replied by (152 points) 1 6 16

I agree.  You feel disregarded.  I remember my mom wouldn't give my brothers a house key.  They would sneak out when she fell asleep.  I couldn't fall asleep!  I was on pins and needles.  I would wait until I heard them leave.  They left the door unlocked.  I would get up and lock the door.  That way when they came back they had to come to by my bedroom window, tap on it, and ask me to let me let them in.  In this way, I had peace of mind knowing they had come back home.  My mom slept through the night.

I try to remind my kids that nobody ever left their home thinking "Tonight I'm going to be murdered and nobody will ever find my body".  People don't plan for a tragedy to happen to them.  But at least if you have a clue as to your loved one's whereabouts, who knows?  You might be able to tell law enforcement the last place they said they were going to be.  Who knows where that could lead?  It's a horrible feeling when someone asks you where your child is and you're clueless and don't know what to say.

replied by LEGEND (6,086 points) 3 27 50
Sometimes it is really hard when we are only one thinking like that, like are we the only one who cares for our safety? Family is a family and we all need to care for each other, one must suffer. I was shaking my head knowing the hardship you had experience before, plus losing sleep just to make your mother sleep all night, not knowing those things.
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answered by LEGEND (6,072 points) 7 22 49
There comes a time in an adult life when they have to make personal decisions without the consent of their parents. We all know over concerned our parents are, to the point that their concerns are seen sometime as intrusive and cagey. Once an adult has come of age, I feel whatever decision he makes should be autonomous whether it favors him or not.

The bible said when I was a kid, I think and acted like a kid but now I am an adult I do things like an adult. As an adult if your decisions are still being influenced by your parents, it shows that you have not come of age. I am not saying you should rebel against your parents. What I am simply saying is that you should let them know that you are responsible enough to bear the the consequences of your actions.
replied by (152 points) 1 6 16
I'm not a parent who doesn't understand when a child become an adult and makes their own decisions.  I am a parent who doesn't want my adult child to make bad decisions that could ruin their life.  I am a parent my children can speak to plainly.  So there's no need for them to no longer show me respect and honor just because we don't agree with each other.
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answered by ELITE (3,221 points) 5 12 23
The one thing everyone should remember is that family will always be family. They never stop being family until they are gone. It will be wise to always honor and respect your family as they are all we've got. But making self choices or decisions is kind of the whole idea about being an adult. And besides, being an adult who's independent of their parents is because you've gotten to that stage of maturity when you're capable of handling yourself by making decision which you deem fit for yourself.

Going back to the question, I personally don't think it's a must a grown up child seeks the permission of their parents before making any personal decisions. Rather, it will be wise to solicit advice or at least inform them on certain decisions you've taken or planned on making. You don't have to go about your decision the way your parents wants you to, but by simply telling them of your plans, it shows that you still care and appreciate whatever opinion they have on the said subject.

Sometimes situations like this depends on the type of relationship grown ups have with their parents. It's more likely that an adult will include his parents in almost every major decision if they have a good talking relationship. Having a bad relationship with the parents on the other hand will mean the opposite when it comes to decision making. This is the reason why I feel every parent should try as much as possible to be involved in the lives of their kids while growing up so that they can be some type of bond between them.

Some parents also can be very intruding when it comes to the choices or decisions their grown up kids make. These types of parents are usually strict and want to be involved in every part of their children's lives by making decisions on their behalf. I don't think it's a good thing that some parents choose to behave in this manner. It shows lack of trust in their children's ability to decide for themselves. They fail to remember that they too were once kids and eventually started making decisions on their own. Since their kids are now adults too, they should also be allowed to start making their own choices whether it suits the parents or not.

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